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where you belong......

6 years ago I visited the homeland of my dad, Georgia.
then 5 years ago I visited the homeland of my mom, Ukraine.
I love both places. I love Batumi and I adore Odessa. Which is my homeland when at the same time I was born in Yerevan?

love or sex :)

My life is strange) It's not about love and not about sex. Once you make it clear to yourself, it becomes much easier and much difficult at the same time. The most strange thing about my life is that I always meet people in the wrong place and wrong time. Once you start treating a person with all your heart and love you find out they don't need it. Once you treat them as a greatest experience in my life, you find out it doesn't work for them as well. Coz they get offended. :) They say it is hard to understand, what a woman wants. But the weirdest is to meet a man who will know what he wants. You love almost everything about one person, but you don't ilke the way he treats you. In the same time you meet somebody, who treats you good, but you don't like him back the same way. And this is a dilemma. I am confused, should I tell people what I think and feel? OR I should just shut up and tell them what they wanna hear. At the same time you don't wanna play a game. And if that's the rule of the game, then I want to hear something I wanna hear. And not just selfish talks around. So sex or love? Sex is good....Love is good......I am confused distinguishing them:)

torture named life.....

at the moment life is like a torture to me....
and i guess the only thing is for me to stop it :) imagine how much clearer this life will be if you watch at it from above.....and judging wil be so much easier :)
and jugding your own life wil, be so much easier....

brasiliera

Came home after a nice and tiring evening.....walked a lot in the streets of my city. Talked a lot with best friends, shared things that needed to be shared.
Sometimes it seams like life gives me another chance. And I opt to take them and give it a try.
Obviously, those are not the chances that I need to take though. Maybe i am not right and not taking the signs the way they should be taken. However, the last week was a good one. But also full of tension.
Why isn't it possible most of the times to just let it go and start all over again. The way I started it all back in the times I was 18? When all was so not obvious, but just so new and exciting. And interesting. And it felt like life has not begun yet. And I have so much time to live ahead. When it seamed that all the mistakes will be overwritten by a huge new happiness:) particularly in love life:)
Years give us one very valuable understanding, that we can't explain all the things happening around. That sometimes we just need to step aside and just see how it all goes. And not fight when there is obviously nothing to fight for. Or no use of fighting. Its just life.
And its all beautiful. The way it is. And I am just taking it as it is.

Dogmas

I happened to appear in a situation which made me think of dogmas in our life. Do they exist? Or do they exist in a a one unique way for each of us? Which may be not acceptable for others? What are dogmas in general? Are they something we believe? Or are they something we need to accept to survive in a society? Are they leading us throughout our lives or we change them upon request or necessity?
Friends say I am being very demanding and categorical about many things, basically about most of the things in life. But what if that's my dogmas lead me in this or that situation?
Do dogmas differ from religion to religion? How do we categorize them anyway?
In my head they are all categorized. Nobody ever taught me those, i came up with them through growing up. And i definitely have dogmas which will never change for me. Such as not cheating, robbing, killing, lying, be on the way of justice.
I realize, that I don't always follow them, but at least i know that i have made a mistake. And try to make up with something else. There is no excuse I know, but at least not being mad at people is a hard thing to do. We all need to learn how to do that. Coz there are situations, when you have to variate. But how can you variate your emotions when you see something injustice happening around, referring yourself or anybody else? Should you just keep silent because this is how the system works? Or you need to do anything about it?
However, everyday life proves you can't relax any moment, and then, what is your life ? Being tolerant? Trying to get along with things? Being understanding?
And then what happens to yourself? and to your beliefs? They shade away.....You loose yourself.....
because I strongly believe, there still are dogmas instructed by the highest power....don't lye, don't kill, don't cheat, don't accept injustice....
Maybe im not a perfect person to live in the world of probability theory, but that's who I am. And maybe you'd say my objectivity is not the same for someone else, I rely on my own dogmas...
Today I finally realized I have approached the finish line....
when I was out on the streets of Yerevan today, I realized that i am so done here. That my last 3-4 years were full of desperate will to leave this country...and how i am out of this country already.....that i don't even know where to go to fill my veins with alcohol and forget about the path of my day and just live my day as it is....
I am so tired of wishing something that haven't happened....
but im on the finish line i feel and believe in it. No way I am staying in a country i don't have a place ....
This is how i have felt from the very beginning of my life .....from school....then hard years through all he relocation.....
I have finally found peace in myself which says: you can't live in this country and in this city.....
your friends are moving forward, being loved and love, having children, having a life they have chosen....
and I have chosen a life of dreaming of moving from here.....I want to finally settle down......have a life when i can be happy....this moments of slight happiness experiencing throughout my days is a fake happiness....which i don't want any more...
I am so tired of wanting....i do, i wanna do now.....
Its a strange feeling, that you know that you don't have more time to spent on minute pleasure, which is not already even a pleasure......
When you have only ONE wish.....one BIG WISH......move to a new place, new people new mentality.....
finally, to meet somebody, not to be alone anymore, meet a guy you have always dreamed of....have children and live your life....enjoy every single minute surrounded with people you wanna see, you wanna feel the relaxed happiness in the air.....
i don't care what people say and what they do.... i just want to move away from here....how can you be so concentrated on something you really want and don''t get it.....one thing i definitely know is that i don't have anything keeping me in my homeland, no love, no love to streets, to people surrounding....thanks God I have met people who i can call friends and who are keeping me alive....
but i don't want to make my life an endless fight and want to finally get what i want.....
Life is a fantastic feeling and one short path, incredibly short one......

I remember turning 25 when the man i supposed i was going to marry to told me that one quarter of mu life has passed now and i should think of the rest of my life....now i assume, that no way i am wasting a minute of my precious life to dream....i am just going to move to the place where i might feel forever a stranger, but my children will hopefully feel at home.....and you know what, i am not going to tell them about the country i was born in and i have been so unhappy in....

when you lie to yourself

when you love your city....but you hate the life you live at the same time,.....when you know nothing is waiting for you here or there........when you always think a lot about the things you shouldn't......and you have people you know you will love...and where there is the city you love forever.....just because you have lived your life here....
travelling is great...but every time before it i have thins strange feeling that i will miss you, my city, the one where i have failed and succeeded and loved.......where i have just had some life.....
And the desire to move away is killing my mind...and eating my minds....but this city keeps me,,,,it has a strange power over me....
Yerevan....I hate you and I love you...........
and when i lie to myself....everyday in everything ................when i don;t don't know if i love you or hate you........
It is the big disaster when you have the heritage from your parents who are not Yerevantsi but you are......
Wen you love every street and park....and when you the people who live in your city....who have concoured your city......the people who don't deserve it.....
I hope one day I will understand myself,......
But however, I know that my children will speak Armenian and will definitely love Yerevan and be Yerevantsi:)

since the days of loneliness started....

I am going through my days of loneliness in my mind with the memories....digging deep into the memory of my mind. Through these two last years I have only once felt the LOVE.....one which is forbidden due to my own taboos.
Well, he said, that I don't accept anything good happening to myself....and that I can't accept myself happy. It is true...somehow. This is strange. And I only want to ran away from all this reality.
Can't handle anymore...lost...messed up....

desperate....

hey there....
life is really a strange....people meet people get together ....then they split.....it hurts....they suffer....but they somehow keep the distance....
met perfect people:) a perfect guy:) however, in the stage of going through a drama:)
how i hate dramas:) i have been there....it's not what i would like to see someone going through....
what i have learned through these years is that if you wanna do something then you get drunk and do that....coz you have an excuse then:) you can always say you were drunk......otherwise you will suffer from what you haven't done, something that you wanted.....
but if you don't take any action, then you don't blame anybody:) just step over:)
and go on with your life....
its seriously hard to see a person you like, the smile that you love, the behavior you adore not appreciated.....and there is no way you could love him if he won't let you.....

moments of life....

there are moments in life when you feel so comfortable with people you love....when they are so dear that you feel your heart finally.....when it was silent for years....and when you felt it beating only sometimes in other moments...but only for moments....
your friends.....those you have had for years....and those you appreciate you have because of all the years.....and those you have just found.....and you are who you are....
and there are moments that you may hurt other people because you are just not their type......and they are not your type..and they are still good....just not your type....
i might have hurt many of those people....
some are still in my life, some are not....
coz as one person have said...it's not possible to be around me if they don't love me.....
but anyway.....
my heart is beating now....for a person who it shouldn't be beating.....
coz he reminds me of some good times i have had..such good people i have had around....some gone some have stayed.....
i have asked for love and maybe i have got my prize...but not the way i wanted it.....not exactly that way.....
that's when they say you should be aware of your dreams, they my come true.....
I have left my ring....my house of sands....and i am setting myself free.......a song helped me out.....and it's a new breath....
i swear i didn't ask for anything like a sin....i don't wanna interfere in somebody other's life.....alhtough, i am somehow .....................